I’m sure all companies do something to fatten up their employees. We employ the “carbo-loading” one. Sometimes its cookies and brownies, occasionally it's Make Your Own Sunday, but the worse, the worse, gluttony by far... is "Bagel Friday".
We get an email reminder on the Thursday before that the firm as invited us to Bagel Friday the next day. I suppose this “Heads Up” is good for those looking to save $1.50 on the usual morning bagel. However, it also means that normal God fearing people start salivating, for this means their families will have bagels this weekend, families will in deed feast on bagels. If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of a thousand plastic bags being opened, the bags collected over the months from shopping trips to Duane Reade, all to house the bagels; to drag home their score from the hunt.
If you happen to wander into a "bagel" conference room, (an hour after the bagels have been released in to the wilds of a conference room), good luck in finding any bagels left. Because any bagels that have not been scarfed down are now tucked into the bottom of desk drawers to be whisked away on Metro-North and the LIRR by 5:34pm.
Who are the worst culprits.... the ones supposedly on Atkins or South F*cking Beach. Watching them bagel ”scoop”. Sickening I tell you.
I try my hardest to bypass even looking into the conference room that one Friday a month.
“Hey, so-and-so, why didn’t you get your bagel?” I'm the one that gets scorned for not taking part in bagel raves. I’m the ostracized freak for coming to work with breakfast in hand.
Here's a snapshot of the scene:
Think poorly cast horror movie with really bad set design, masses of tangled arms flying, grabbing poppy-seeded bagels by the handful, lox spread being flung over tops of heads. Toes are being stepped on. A feeding frenzy. Everyone hopped up on gluten. All in the name of bagels.
Don’t even get me started on the toaster etiquette.
"Um, is this toaster taken?"
"How much longer you think?"
I think, I think I want to pick up this toaster and hurl it at you, it's a freakin bagel and it will take as long as it needs to toast....you pompous-bagel-eating-whore!"
Once on a Thursday we received our regular email alert, however upon arriving on that very Friday, the bagels…..are you sitting...
Were. Not. Delivered.
Administration pointed fingers at each other. People sneered at each other in the hallway, grunts and stomach growling could be heard throughout the offices.
And even after 11 am people were still holding out, putting off going down to get something for breakfast. Emails were shooting across monitors:
“Where are the damn bagels";
"I want my bagel"; and the horrid whine....
"but they promised.”
I am so close to asking Human Resources to add a chapter in our Employee Manual that deals with just this sort of crisis:
3.5a Bagel Guidance: What To Do When You Don't Receive Your Allotted Bagel Allowance.
A note on employee luncheons:
Shrimp brings out the worst in people. Perhaps it’s a deep embedded gene that says we must secure the shrimp or we will surely die. People fear that they will not have another opportunity to eat or even see shrimp and they guard their territory with such force, one could lose an eye or something.
Don't let the smell of an employee luncheon fool you.
It's so bad by me, that on shrimp platter days, the office glows pink like G-d damn flamingos.